Grrraaggghh, how is it already Friday? Already? Time going by too quick.
Been quite the busy week too, hardly any time I get to myself, of which I've been spending sleeping since energy is being spent at school or doing chores. I've really been trying to get a temp job and make some money for my dogs' surgery, but man, does it take a toll on my mind, and thus my body.
I've been applying to jobs, checking out temp hire and employment agencies, signing up for sketchy online programs that say will pay me if I answer surveys or test products. I'm really desperate to earn any funds for my dogs' surgery. I'll have to call when I get home about payment plans. My mom got paid recently but we're putting that money towards paying off my class ring and my cap and gown so they all get here on time. I do wish they would put aside from money for the GoFundMe or surgery day though. I was able to sign up as a ticket taker at my school, but I'm pretty sure the pay will be a fraction of wat I need, especially since I would only be there for maybe an hour.
My mom keeps telling me to call and email my work to ask about the progress of getting new application stuff so I can get to working already, but even if I were to start working soon, I have a feeling I wouldn't be receiving paychecks on time anyway
All that and I need to finish my senior research paper, hurry up and relearn geometry on Delta Math, when I hardly have anough time and energy for myself. My mom might bring me with her to the gym for a couple hours tonight or tomorrow. Ugh, this new year is on to a painfully straining and stressful start. I applied for this job in October, it's January. I know they said it could take a few weeks but my goodess, I just want to hide in my skin. I think I'll send some emails to my teachers asking if I good do any yardwork or anything for them to be paid for.
Maybe if my dad didn't go the casino so often, or if my parents never ordered their new mattress and bedframe, maybe if they had listened to me all those years ago and gotten my dogs fixed, I wouldn't be so stressed and desperate right now, I wouldn't have had to buried as many puppies as I've had to, or feel my heart skip a beat the moment I suspect my dogs to be pregnant once again. I never wanted more dogs, I never wanted any more. I never did.
I can't help but to feel so anxious. I'm doing fine in school, but I'm missing a math credit, and once in a blue moon do I have the energy and opportunity to go on Delta Math and be confused and frustrate. I'm employed and yet I haven't been permitted to start working. I've been employed by months now and still haven't done an hour of work. My mom tells me that my dogs are my responsility. How am I supposed to get them fixed when I have no money to save, when I have no income to save? I just want to go home with my dogs, my dogs that will never be pregnant again. My dogs that I love. I just want to be okay and free of worry and anxiety for once. Is that so much to work for? So much to ask? We pay dozens everyday for things we don't need, things we don't use, and yet the one time purchase of spays for my dogs is too much for them.
Sometimes I just don't want to exist. Not be dead, I just don't want to exist. I cannot suffer if I do not exist. I cannot desire if I have nothing to desire. I cannot cry if I have no reason to cry, or brain to signal my tear glands to produce tears. I just don't want this anymore. No more.